Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Guest blogger Jason Lowetz.

I am pretty sure that Jason has reached new heights (lows?) with this race report.

11:07 am

I'm nearing the end of a 4 hour glow stick bathroom ecstasy rave session
which started this morning around. I have been into raves ever since I was a
little kid. I mounted a 60watt stereo speaker system complete with "bass
boost" in the bathroom a few months back. It delivers. I have a pair of
high end glow sticks which I keep in the refrigerator when I'm not

11:22 am

My last anal injection of ecstasy nitrate has worn off and it's time to suit
up and head out to todays bike race.

I bring the usual.

1 giant pet falcon
1 hamster
2 plastic spoons
1 used 16gram C02 (threaded)
3 12 pound containers of crisco
and my Frankenstein PAA skinsuit


I have arrived at the bike race. A fella by the name of Fritz walks up to me
and whispers "hey...did you bring the hamster?". I said "yeah...one moment
please". I closed my eyes then punched myself in the stomach. I then handed
the hamster to Fritz and said "here ya go". He said "thanks".

First race of the day was the masters 30+ 1-2-3's. I lined up with Giant pet
Falcon on one shoulder and 2 plastic spoons in my shorts. I had planned on
winning this race for fun, but was reminded by Fritz that Armin was in the
hunt for the coveted golden walrus trophy....so. ...my job would be to look
good and impress people with my good looks. Armin got in a break. Fritz and
I blasted into action and rode side by side at the front of the field. We
gave each other a high five then Fritz tossed the hamster up into the air.
It was On! Falcon had been in an aero tuck on my back until this moment. The
plan was working perfectly. All of the riders were watching the falcon try
to catch the hamster. The pace slowed to 4 mph. Fritz and I gave each other
another high five then unclipped and stood on our top tubes (still side by
side at the front of the field). I performed the "apple cider swan" whilst
fritz pulled off a brilliant "Man Tunnel". 2 very solid moves which you
really had to see to appreciate.

Meanwhile falcon had caught hamster and was back in a full aero tuck
position on my back. By this time the deal was pretty much sealed. Armin and
the break of a dozen or so riders were out of site. It stayed that way. He
finished 2nd. Fritz and I crossed the line doing the "canoe". One in front
of the other, plastic spoons in hand, we rowed across the line. The crowd
went wild.

Now came the Cat 3 race...


A break of 8 or 9 riders formed about half way through the race. Of those 8
or 9 riders. Freddie and myself made the cut. The break held strong and with
one lap to go we had about a half a lap on the field. The fun began. I was
3rd wheel with 3 corners to go. I did not want to be here...so... .I decided
to stir things up a bit and move over and take the wheel of the guy who had
just pulled (a weezy pull I might add). I knew this guy had not been working
too hard in the break and he was a decent sprinter. I was on to his
shenanigans. This for surely mixed things up a bit for everyone. The pace
slowed, which is exactly what I wanted, and nobody wanted to pull through.
Out of the 3rd corned I believe I was 2nd or 3rd corner heading up the
slight uphill to the final corner. I was ready to jump......waiting for
someone to make a move. About half way up the hill it was Freddie who took
off at just the right time and in a great spot. I grabbed his wheel. We went
around the final corner 1st and 2nd. He gave it everything he had then I
opened up the sprint. I knew I had went a little early, but if I could just
stay on top of my gear I could take it. 100 meters to go and I had company
on each side of me, but I stayed on thy gas and won by a wheel or 2. Good

This may very well have been my last race as a PAA'er. Couldn't have asked
for a better finish. Thanks again Freddie. Awesome work.

Thanks to ALL of my fellow PAA racer/group ride/anal nitrate buddies. Its
been a fantastico 2 years!

See you on the road.


If you have gotten to this point without laughing then you clearly haven't got a sense of humor.

You are probably one of those people who think Napoleon Dynamite isn't funny because "It's not about anything".

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