Friday, August 31, 2007
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Wonderboy
I am pumped for 'cross. I have new wheels for this season (and when I say "wheels" I don't just mean wheels, I mean i have a new bike!), I will post pics when I get back from Labor Day weekend camping.
Until then, you too can get pumped for 'cross:
1) Watch this video.
2) Pound a beer.
3) Pound your chest.
4) Repeat until you are pumped for racing 'cross.
Tune in to our next post for an interview with legendary 'cross racer and ladies man Doyle Diamond.
And lastly, in the immortal words of the film "Napoleon Dynamite":
"Ah wahnt that!"
Until then, you too can get pumped for 'cross:
1) Watch this video.
2) Pound a beer.
3) Pound your chest.
4) Repeat until you are pumped for racing 'cross.
Tune in to our next post for an interview with legendary 'cross racer and ladies man Doyle Diamond.
And lastly, in the immortal words of the film "Napoleon Dynamite":
"Ah wahnt that!"
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Cyclists are all a bunch of liars...
...but probably not in the way you might think.
The following is an excerpt. I don't know what it's from, but it might as well be the Bible because it's the fucking gospel truth...
"Cyclists are the biggest sandbaggers and secret trainers around. They'll say anything to soften you up for the kill. Don't let this happen to you. Study this handy rider's phrasebook to find out what they really mean when they say:
"I'm out of shape."
Translation: I ride 400 miles a week and haven't missed a day since the Ford administration. I replace my 11-tooth cog more often than you wash your shorts. My body fat percentage is lower than your mortgage rate.
"I'm not into competition. I'm just riding to stay in shape."
Translation: I will attack until you collapse in the gutter, babbling and whimpering. I will win the sprint if I have to force you into a pine tree. I will crest this hill first if I have to grab your seat post, and spray energy drink in your eyes.
"I'm on my beater bike."
Translation: I had this baby custom-made in Tuscany using Titanium blessed by the Pope. I took it to a wind tunnel and it disappeared. It weighs less than a fart and costs more than a divorce.
"It's not that hilly."
Translation: This climb lasts longer than a presidential campaign. Be careful on the steep sections or you'll fall over -- backward. You have a 39x23 low gear? Here's the name of my knee surgeon.
"This is a no-drop ride."
Translation: I'll need an article of your clothing for the search-and-rescue dogs.
"It's not that far."
Translation: Bring your passport."
Thanks to Scarantino for pointing this gem out to me.
The following is an excerpt. I don't know what it's from, but it might as well be the Bible because it's the fucking gospel truth...
"Cyclists are the biggest sandbaggers and secret trainers around. They'll say anything to soften you up for the kill. Don't let this happen to you. Study this handy rider's phrasebook to find out what they really mean when they say:
"I'm out of shape."
Translation: I ride 400 miles a week and haven't missed a day since the Ford administration. I replace my 11-tooth cog more often than you wash your shorts. My body fat percentage is lower than your mortgage rate.
"I'm not into competition. I'm just riding to stay in shape."
Translation: I will attack until you collapse in the gutter, babbling and whimpering. I will win the sprint if I have to force you into a pine tree. I will crest this hill first if I have to grab your seat post, and spray energy drink in your eyes.
"I'm on my beater bike."
Translation: I had this baby custom-made in Tuscany using Titanium blessed by the Pope. I took it to a wind tunnel and it disappeared. It weighs less than a fart and costs more than a divorce.
"It's not that hilly."
Translation: This climb lasts longer than a presidential campaign. Be careful on the steep sections or you'll fall over -- backward. You have a 39x23 low gear? Here's the name of my knee surgeon.
"This is a no-drop ride."
Translation: I'll need an article of your clothing for the search-and-rescue dogs.
"It's not that far."
Translation: Bring your passport."
Thanks to Scarantino for pointing this gem out to me.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Guest blogger Jason Lowetz.
I am pretty sure that Jason has reached new heights (lows?) with this race report.
11:07 am
I'm nearing the end of a 4 hour glow stick bathroom ecstasy rave session
which started this morning around. I have been into raves ever since I was a
little kid. I mounted a 60watt stereo speaker system complete with "bass
boost" in the bathroom a few months back. It delivers. I have a pair of
high end glow sticks which I keep in the refrigerator when I'm not
entranced.
11:22 am
My last anal injection of ecstasy nitrate has worn off and it's time to suit
up and head out to todays bike race.
I bring the usual.
1 giant pet falcon
1 hamster
2 plastic spoons
1 used 16gram C02 (threaded)
3 12 pound containers of crisco
and my Frankenstein PAA skinsuit
12:20pm
I have arrived at the bike race. A fella by the name of Fritz walks up to me
and whispers "hey...did you bring the hamster?". I said "yeah...one moment
please". I closed my eyes then punched myself in the stomach. I then handed
the hamster to Fritz and said "here ya go". He said "thanks".
First race of the day was the masters 30+ 1-2-3's. I lined up with Giant pet
Falcon on one shoulder and 2 plastic spoons in my shorts. I had planned on
winning this race for fun, but was reminded by Fritz that Armin was in the
hunt for the coveted golden walrus trophy....so. ...my job would be to look
good and impress people with my good looks. Armin got in a break. Fritz and
I blasted into action and rode side by side at the front of the field. We
gave each other a high five then Fritz tossed the hamster up into the air.
It was On! Falcon had been in an aero tuck on my back until this moment. The
plan was working perfectly. All of the riders were watching the falcon try
to catch the hamster. The pace slowed to 4 mph. Fritz and I gave each other
another high five then unclipped and stood on our top tubes (still side by
side at the front of the field). I performed the "apple cider swan" whilst
fritz pulled off a brilliant "Man Tunnel". 2 very solid moves which you
really had to see to appreciate.
Meanwhile falcon had caught hamster and was back in a full aero tuck
position on my back. By this time the deal was pretty much sealed. Armin and
the break of a dozen or so riders were out of site. It stayed that way. He
finished 2nd. Fritz and I crossed the line doing the "canoe". One in front
of the other, plastic spoons in hand, we rowed across the line. The crowd
went wild.
Now came the Cat 3 race...
Easy.
A break of 8 or 9 riders formed about half way through the race. Of those 8
or 9 riders. Freddie and myself made the cut. The break held strong and with
one lap to go we had about a half a lap on the field. The fun began. I was
3rd wheel with 3 corners to go. I did not want to be here...so... .I decided
to stir things up a bit and move over and take the wheel of the guy who had
just pulled (a weezy pull I might add). I knew this guy had not been working
too hard in the break and he was a decent sprinter. I was on to his
shenanigans. This for surely mixed things up a bit for everyone. The pace
slowed, which is exactly what I wanted, and nobody wanted to pull through.
Out of the 3rd corned I believe I was 2nd or 3rd corner heading up the
slight uphill to the final corner. I was ready to jump......waiting for
someone to make a move. About half way up the hill it was Freddie who took
off at just the right time and in a great spot. I grabbed his wheel. We went
around the final corner 1st and 2nd. He gave it everything he had then I
opened up the sprint. I knew I had went a little early, but if I could just
stay on top of my gear I could take it. 100 meters to go and I had company
on each side of me, but I stayed on thy gas and won by a wheel or 2. Good
stuff.
This may very well have been my last race as a PAA'er. Couldn't have asked
for a better finish. Thanks again Freddie. Awesome work.
Thanks to ALL of my fellow PAA racer/group ride/anal nitrate buddies. Its
been a fantastico 2 years!
See you on the road.
Represent
Jayus
I'm nearing the end of a 4 hour glow stick bathroom ecstasy rave session
which started this morning around. I have been into raves ever since I was a
little kid. I mounted a 60watt stereo speaker system complete with "bass
boost" in the bathroom a few months back. It delivers. I have a pair of
high end glow sticks which I keep in the refrigerator when I'm not
entranced.
11:22 am
My last anal injection of ecstasy nitrate has worn off and it's time to suit
up and head out to todays bike race.
I bring the usual.
1 giant pet falcon
1 hamster
2 plastic spoons
1 used 16gram C02 (threaded)
3 12 pound containers of crisco
and my Frankenstein PAA skinsuit
12:20pm
I have arrived at the bike race. A fella by the name of Fritz walks up to me
and whispers "hey...did you bring the hamster?". I said "yeah...one moment
please". I closed my eyes then punched myself in the stomach. I then handed
the hamster to Fritz and said "here ya go". He said "thanks".
First race of the day was the masters 30+ 1-2-3's. I lined up with Giant pet
Falcon on one shoulder and 2 plastic spoons in my shorts. I had planned on
winning this race for fun, but was reminded by Fritz that Armin was in the
hunt for the coveted golden walrus trophy....so. ...my job would be to look
good and impress people with my good looks. Armin got in a break. Fritz and
I blasted into action and rode side by side at the front of the field. We
gave each other a high five then Fritz tossed the hamster up into the air.
It was On! Falcon had been in an aero tuck on my back until this moment. The
plan was working perfectly. All of the riders were watching the falcon try
to catch the hamster. The pace slowed to 4 mph. Fritz and I gave each other
another high five then unclipped and stood on our top tubes (still side by
side at the front of the field). I performed the "apple cider swan" whilst
fritz pulled off a brilliant "Man Tunnel". 2 very solid moves which you
really had to see to appreciate.
Meanwhile falcon had caught hamster and was back in a full aero tuck
position on my back. By this time the deal was pretty much sealed. Armin and
the break of a dozen or so riders were out of site. It stayed that way. He
finished 2nd. Fritz and I crossed the line doing the "canoe". One in front
of the other, plastic spoons in hand, we rowed across the line. The crowd
went wild.
Now came the Cat 3 race...
Easy.
A break of 8 or 9 riders formed about half way through the race. Of those 8
or 9 riders. Freddie and myself made the cut. The break held strong and with
one lap to go we had about a half a lap on the field. The fun began. I was
3rd wheel with 3 corners to go. I did not want to be here...so... .I decided
to stir things up a bit and move over and take the wheel of the guy who had
just pulled (a weezy pull I might add). I knew this guy had not been working
too hard in the break and he was a decent sprinter. I was on to his
shenanigans. This for surely mixed things up a bit for everyone. The pace
slowed, which is exactly what I wanted, and nobody wanted to pull through.
Out of the 3rd corned I believe I was 2nd or 3rd corner heading up the
slight uphill to the final corner. I was ready to jump......waiting for
someone to make a move. About half way up the hill it was Freddie who took
off at just the right time and in a great spot. I grabbed his wheel. We went
around the final corner 1st and 2nd. He gave it everything he had then I
opened up the sprint. I knew I had went a little early, but if I could just
stay on top of my gear I could take it. 100 meters to go and I had company
on each side of me, but I stayed on thy gas and won by a wheel or 2. Good
stuff.
This may very well have been my last race as a PAA'er. Couldn't have asked
for a better finish. Thanks again Freddie. Awesome work.
Thanks to ALL of my fellow PAA racer/group ride/anal nitrate buddies. Its
been a fantastico 2 years!
See you on the road.
Represent
Jayus
If you have gotten to this point without laughing then you clearly haven't got a sense of humor.
You are probably one of those people who think Napoleon Dynamite isn't funny because "It's not about anything".
The dirt report.
Interesting if you haven't seen it yet!
"Investing in something with integrity can have it's benefits" -JHK
Hear, hear!
HERE
"Investing in something with integrity can have it's benefits" -JHK
Hear, hear!
HERE
Sunday, August 05, 2007
Now I'm a man! Man, man, man! Man man man manmanmanmanmanmanman I'm a man......
Won the first annual Altadena Naked Crow Mountain Bike Challenge today. Won $300.00.
The race started at the JPL gate to Brown Mtn. I just sat in for the whole flat section before the fire road climb up to Brown. My team mate Alex was right behind me.
Just as we hit the dirt fire road climb, one of the other cyclists attacked and, although I didn't actually think he was a threat to stay away I figured it was as good a time as any for me to attack.
I think maybe Alex thought I was just chasing him down and would slow down when he cracked, because he let a small gap form.
I figured I'd try and stay away so I rode as hard as I could and SLOWLY widened the gap until I had a little over a minute lead.
When I went over the top I knew he would be hot on my wheels so I headed down towards El Prieto as fast as I knew how.
The course went past El P. and into Millard Cyn., and then we headed up lower Sunset to the Lowe toll road.
I knew that if he was going to catch me it would be here so I was on the rivet for the whole climb, suffering but motivated by the thought of a win.
When I crested Sunset the course went straight across Lowe and down a rutted out horse trail.
It was fast and bermed, short but fun to ride, and I knew that if I rode smooth it would be impossible for anyone to catch me since it was steep downhill the whole way to the line.
Thanks to Martin for the great pic.
There was a long paved straightaway before the line and I was puzzled to see another rider up ahead... it turned out to be one of the "amateur" riders who had done a shorter course. I caught him right before the line but then sat up so that he could get out of my victory photo.
If Chet Bearclaw caught me sharing the spotlight with inferior teams ("inferior"= any team He is not on)I would have my ass kicked.
The other rider is lucky I'm not Chet or he would've been punched off the road while the male officials looked the other way and the females lined up to give Chet backrubs.
Hopefully my six-pack will be visible in the photo but I'm assuming they will airbrush out the throngs of adoring female fans chasing me up towards the finish line and victory. They have to because they can't show nudity.
Look for it on the front page of your local paper. Or the LA or NY Times.
They made a documentary of this historic event. Enjoy.
The race started at the JPL gate to Brown Mtn. I just sat in for the whole flat section before the fire road climb up to Brown. My team mate Alex was right behind me.
Just as we hit the dirt fire road climb, one of the other cyclists attacked and, although I didn't actually think he was a threat to stay away I figured it was as good a time as any for me to attack.
I think maybe Alex thought I was just chasing him down and would slow down when he cracked, because he let a small gap form.
I figured I'd try and stay away so I rode as hard as I could and SLOWLY widened the gap until I had a little over a minute lead.
When I went over the top I knew he would be hot on my wheels so I headed down towards El Prieto as fast as I knew how.
The course went past El P. and into Millard Cyn., and then we headed up lower Sunset to the Lowe toll road.
I knew that if he was going to catch me it would be here so I was on the rivet for the whole climb, suffering but motivated by the thought of a win.
When I crested Sunset the course went straight across Lowe and down a rutted out horse trail.
It was fast and bermed, short but fun to ride, and I knew that if I rode smooth it would be impossible for anyone to catch me since it was steep downhill the whole way to the line.
Thanks to Martin for the great pic.
There was a long paved straightaway before the line and I was puzzled to see another rider up ahead... it turned out to be one of the "amateur" riders who had done a shorter course. I caught him right before the line but then sat up so that he could get out of my victory photo.
If Chet Bearclaw caught me sharing the spotlight with inferior teams ("inferior"= any team He is not on)I would have my ass kicked.
The other rider is lucky I'm not Chet or he would've been punched off the road while the male officials looked the other way and the females lined up to give Chet backrubs.
Hopefully my six-pack will be visible in the photo but I'm assuming they will airbrush out the throngs of adoring female fans chasing me up towards the finish line and victory. They have to because they can't show nudity.
Look for it on the front page of your local paper. Or the LA or NY Times.
They made a documentary of this historic event. Enjoy.
Friday, August 03, 2007
Home again.
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