(This is definitely the best race report I've ever seen! Take notes Velo News, because you need a man inside the peloton to break it down for your readers like this man right here! -Lyle)
Cat 4 Costa Mesa Crit:
It was like this.....
They asked us cat 4 riders to go to the line. So we went to the line.
I took some crack.
I tossed my water bottle off into the distance (about 175 yards)
Fella next to me asked me if I was Bret Favre. I told him no.
I also told him that I had glued my tires on this morning using Elmers glue. NOT the imitation Elmers glue you find at the 99 cent store..... but the real thing.
It was cool.
The race started.
I tried to perform a few solo breaks but my MC hammer pants and my leopard print cape seemed to be creating drag.
With about 10 laps to go I removed my handlebars and my front wheel and rode the next 8 laps doing a no handed wheelie.
I started getting bored so I put my handlebars and front wheel back on with 2 laps to go and let the field catch up.
On the last lap, just before corner 3, I was setting nicely in the top 5 or so. I took a quick glance over my left shoulder to see a swarm of cyclists charging hard on the left. So.... I went left and accelerated around corner 3 before they had a chance to turn me into pack fill. I got on the wheel of a couple fellas wearing yellow and another fella wearing pink. I believe I was sitting 4th er sumthin heading down the last straight into corner 4(thy last corner). The finishing straight was short thus i knew i had to be one of the first around that there corner. The pace was fast but not fast enough so I decided to jump and go outside. I was the first around the corner but I had chosen too big of a gear. There was a bit of a headwind.
To make matters worse.... my MC hammer pants got caught in my rear wheel and burst into flames.
I finished 2nd.
I was glad I didn't win.
I didn't feel like dealing with all of the fame that comes with winning. All of the attention. All of the questions. The urine testing. I don't need any of that. I'm into criterium racing because I'm into relaxation. Kicking back and taking it easy. Nature. For my $ it doesn't get any better than racing your bicycle around in squares with 100 or more others wearing nothing but a figure skating outfit and a helmet. Especially when those 100+ others skills and fitness levels range from 1 to 79.
Until next time....
Stay away from school and stay on drugs.
Jason R. Lowetz
p.s. Only 7 months until thy cyclocross racing season begins. Come on down to Montrose Bike Shop and purchase a cyclocross bike. It makes sense.
(If this man looks familiar, it might be because you've seen him racing MTB and 'Cross in previous posts.)