Doyle Diamond Sucks...

But thanks for supporting Team Bearclaw.



Visit his craphole of a blog by clicking HERE or on the link at the right of your page. It's the link that says "biggest craphole of a blog in history".

the multiple experiences of interbike.

Kabush and friends know how to party. That ain't no sissy beer.



Easy on the eyes.



Yikes.

Roll Models

Dreams really do come true. With perseverance and hard work this could be you:





Congratulations to our new Single Speed World Champions!
More HERE.

Non-Doping Cyclists Finish Tour De France

For more on this inspiring story visit the Onion. I promise it won't disappoint!

Wonderboy

I am pumped for 'cross. I have new wheels for this season (and when I say "wheels" I don't just mean wheels, I mean i have a new bike!), I will post pics when I get back from Labor Day weekend camping.
Until then, you too can get pumped for 'cross:

1) Watch this video.



2) Pound a beer.

3) Pound your chest.

4) Repeat until you are pumped for racing 'cross.

Tune in to our next post for an interview with legendary 'cross racer and ladies man Doyle Diamond.

And lastly, in the immortal words of the film "Napoleon Dynamite":

"Ah wahnt that!"

Cyclists are all a bunch of liars...

...but probably not in the way you might think.

The following is an excerpt. I don't know what it's from, but it might as well be the Bible because it's the fucking gospel truth...

"Cyclists are the biggest sandbaggers and secret trainers around. They'll say anything to soften you up for the kill. Don't let this happen to you. Study this handy rider's phrasebook to find out what they really mean when they say:

"I'm out of shape."
Translation: I ride 400 miles a week and haven't missed a day since the Ford administration. I replace my 11-tooth cog more often than you wash your shorts. My body fat percentage is lower than your mortgage rate.

"I'm not into competition. I'm just riding to stay in shape."
Translation: I will attack until you collapse in the gutter, babbling and whimpering. I will win the sprint if I have to force you into a pine tree. I will crest this hill first if I have to grab your seat post, and spray energy drink in your eyes.

"I'm on my beater bike."
Translation: I had this baby custom-made in Tuscany using Titanium blessed by the Pope. I took it to a wind tunnel and it disappeared. It weighs less than a fart and costs more than a divorce.

"It's not that hilly."
Translation: This climb lasts longer than a presidential campaign. Be careful on the steep sections or you'll fall over -- backward. You have a 39x23 low gear? Here's the name of my knee surgeon.

"This is a no-drop ride."
Translation: I'll need an article of your clothing for the search-and-rescue dogs.

"It's not that far."
Translation: Bring your passport."

Thanks to Scarantino for pointing this gem out to me.

Snowmass...

Was brutal. Altitude hit me hard, LOL. Will get pics and put up a report. Peace out.

Guest blogger Jason Lowetz.

I am pretty sure that Jason has reached new heights (lows?) with this race report.

11:07 am

I'm nearing the end of a 4 hour glow stick bathroom ecstasy rave session
which started this morning around. I have been into raves ever since I was a
little kid. I mounted a 60watt stereo speaker system complete with "bass
boost" in the bathroom a few months back. It delivers. I have a pair of
high end glow sticks which I keep in the refrigerator when I'm not
entranced.

11:22 am

My last anal injection of ecstasy nitrate has worn off and it's time to suit
up and head out to todays bike race.

I bring the usual.

1 giant pet falcon
1 hamster
2 plastic spoons
1 used 16gram C02 (threaded)
3 12 pound containers of crisco
and my Frankenstein PAA skinsuit

12:20pm

I have arrived at the bike race. A fella by the name of Fritz walks up to me
and whispers "hey...did you bring the hamster?". I said "yeah...one moment
please". I closed my eyes then punched myself in the stomach. I then handed
the hamster to Fritz and said "here ya go". He said "thanks".

First race of the day was the masters 30+ 1-2-3's. I lined up with Giant pet
Falcon on one shoulder and 2 plastic spoons in my shorts. I had planned on
winning this race for fun, but was reminded by Fritz that Armin was in the
hunt for the coveted golden walrus trophy....so. ...my job would be to look
good and impress people with my good looks. Armin got in a break. Fritz and
I blasted into action and rode side by side at the front of the field. We
gave each other a high five then Fritz tossed the hamster up into the air.
It was On! Falcon had been in an aero tuck on my back until this moment. The
plan was working perfectly. All of the riders were watching the falcon try
to catch the hamster. The pace slowed to 4 mph. Fritz and I gave each other
another high five then unclipped and stood on our top tubes (still side by
side at the front of the field). I performed the "apple cider swan" whilst
fritz pulled off a brilliant "Man Tunnel". 2 very solid moves which you
really had to see to appreciate.

Meanwhile falcon had caught hamster and was back in a full aero tuck
position on my back. By this time the deal was pretty much sealed. Armin and
the break of a dozen or so riders were out of site. It stayed that way. He
finished 2nd. Fritz and I crossed the line doing the "canoe". One in front
of the other, plastic spoons in hand, we rowed across the line. The crowd
went wild.

Now came the Cat 3 race...

Easy.

A break of 8 or 9 riders formed about half way through the race. Of those 8
or 9 riders. Freddie and myself made the cut. The break held strong and with
one lap to go we had about a half a lap on the field. The fun began. I was
3rd wheel with 3 corners to go. I did not want to be here...so... .I decided
to stir things up a bit and move over and take the wheel of the guy who had
just pulled (a weezy pull I might add). I knew this guy had not been working
too hard in the break and he was a decent sprinter. I was on to his
shenanigans. This for surely mixed things up a bit for everyone. The pace
slowed, which is exactly what I wanted, and nobody wanted to pull through.
Out of the 3rd corned I believe I was 2nd or 3rd corner heading up the
slight uphill to the final corner. I was ready to jump......waiting for
someone to make a move. About half way up the hill it was Freddie who took
off at just the right time and in a great spot. I grabbed his wheel. We went
around the final corner 1st and 2nd. He gave it everything he had then I
opened up the sprint. I knew I had went a little early, but if I could just
stay on top of my gear I could take it. 100 meters to go and I had company
on each side of me, but I stayed on thy gas and won by a wheel or 2. Good
stuff.

This may very well have been my last race as a PAA'er. Couldn't have asked
for a better finish. Thanks again Freddie. Awesome work.

Thanks to ALL of my fellow PAA racer/group ride/anal nitrate buddies. Its
been a fantastico 2 years!

See you on the road.

Represent
Jayus

If you have gotten to this point without laughing then you clearly haven't got a sense of humor.

You are probably one of those people who think Napoleon Dynamite isn't funny because "It's not about anything".

The dirt report.

Interesting if you haven't seen it yet!

"Investing in something with integrity can have it's benefits" -JHK

Hear, hear!

HERE

Now I'm a man! Man, man, man! Man man man manmanmanmanmanmanman I'm a man......

Won the first annual Altadena Naked Crow Mountain Bike Challenge today. Won $300.00.

The race started at the JPL gate to Brown Mtn. I just sat in for the whole flat section before the fire road climb up to Brown. My team mate Alex was right behind me.
Just as we hit the dirt fire road climb, one of the other cyclists attacked and, although I didn't actually think he was a threat to stay away I figured it was as good a time as any for me to attack.
I think maybe Alex thought I was just chasing him down and would slow down when he cracked, because he let a small gap form.
I figured I'd try and stay away so I rode as hard as I could and SLOWLY widened the gap until I had a little over a minute lead.
When I went over the top I knew he would be hot on my wheels so I headed down towards El Prieto as fast as I knew how.
The course went past El P. and into Millard Cyn., and then we headed up lower Sunset to the Lowe toll road.
I knew that if he was going to catch me it would be here so I was on the rivet for the whole climb, suffering but motivated by the thought of a win.
When I crested Sunset the course went straight across Lowe and down a rutted out horse trail.
It was fast and bermed, short but fun to ride, and I knew that if I rode smooth it would be impossible for anyone to catch me since it was steep downhill the whole way to the line.

Thanks to Martin for the great pic.

There was a long paved straightaway before the line and I was puzzled to see another rider up ahead... it turned out to be one of the "amateur" riders who had done a shorter course. I caught him right before the line but then sat up so that he could get out of my victory photo.
If Chet Bearclaw caught me sharing the spotlight with inferior teams ("inferior"= any team He is not on)I would have my ass kicked.
The other rider is lucky I'm not Chet or he would've been punched off the road while the male officials looked the other way and the females lined up to give Chet backrubs.
Hopefully my six-pack will be visible in the photo but I'm assuming they will airbrush out the throngs of adoring female fans chasing me up towards the finish line and victory. They have to because they can't show nudity.
Look for it on the front page of your local paper. Or the LA or NY Times.
They made a documentary of this historic event. Enjoy.

Home again.

Brooke and I are home again... she is holding down the blogging "fort" so if you want to see what we have been up to go to her blog.

Enzo Gucci reviews Krieg Cycling bag.

So far, from what I see, I approve of the bag on your bicycle.

Now, there are some things that could be done to improve this bag.

First of all, the zipper could be made out of gold. Not the color, the metal. This would provide a nice contrast of colors.

The bag also needs some carbon fiber accents. What purpose would this serve, you ask? Weight savings? Nope. Durability? Nope. Improved storage capacity? Wrong again.

Style. 100%. Some may say there is such thing as too much carbon fiber. They are probably Nascar fans who would prefer stainless steel, fiberglass and Coors Light. For us European riders, Carbon fiber is a fashion statement.

Lastly, and most importantly, this bag is missing the true show of style. Look at the most expensive (and best looking) parts, bikes and accessories in cycling. SIDI's $450USD Ergo shoes, Colnago's $10,000+USD Extreme Power Bike, Pinarello's top of the line frames... what do all of these share? The Italian Flag.

Thats right. When you want a product to go from good to incredible (and incredibly expensive) you put an Italian flag somewhere visible.

THAT is the main thing this bag is missing.

Otherwise, it's great. I know you're married, Lyle, but have you been experiencing increased attention from the opposit sex since installing this bag to your bicycle?

I'm out.

-Enzo Gucci

Dear Enzo,

As a matter or fact, I have.

-Lyle

Papa's got a brand new bag!

Eat your heart out Boone!

Sam Krieg started out making too-cool-for-school chalk bags for climbers. Luckily for all us incredibly stylish cyclists, Krieg is now making saddle bags that you can be proud to put on your bike.
Instead of getting the smallest bag you can, and trying your best to hide it under your saddle, or stuffing your jersey pockets full of tubes, CO2, etc. you can now roll with STYLE.
On a relatively unimportant side note, it also works well. The velcro sections are pretty big and super grippy. It is pretty much the perfect size for tubes, CO2, levers, etc.
Unless you are one of those people who want a purse on their bike (42 cliff bars, cell phone, pager) this should be a good size.
It's not too wide, so you don't have to worry about it rubbing your legs.
The sides on this bag are fuzzy (adds to style), as you can see, so after a long, rainy and muddy ride I cleaned 'em off and they were good as new. The rest of the bag is some sort of ballistic nylon looking stuff that is easy to clean if you don't like dirt on your bike, but plenty durable if you are a "set it and forget it" type of rider.
After the long rainy, muddy ride I mentioned I checked inside and everything was totally dry so I guess it's pretty water resistant too.
The zipper closes in the "down" position so it shouldn't open up while you are riding, but if you are paranoid you can always sandwich it (zipper) between the velcro and it should be bomb-proof.
None of that is important though, style is the primary function of a cyclist.
Jesse, you should be writing this down... if I see you with a bag as cool as this I might just forget that you were riding with a Bento Box when I first met you.
Also, I would like you to check out the Krieg website and then post a review in the comments section, giving your professional opinion as Team Bearclaw Image/Style Manager.
Coming soon to a shop near you. Check out Krieg Cycling for more.

Comedy?

I don't know what he's saying but that only makes it even funnier.



I am inspired by this video. I no longer think that doping should carry any fine or 2 year ban or any ban or penalty.
I just think that if a rider is convicted of doping they should have to compete dressed as a mariachi. Just like the guy in the video. Forever.

Settling in...

Today, after spending the last week and a half travelling and attending family events (a wedding and a funeral, 4th of july gathering and all the accompanying "sub-events")Brooke and I are finally in VT.
I have only one plan: ride my bike (finally).
Hopefully, after spending some time getting sick, getting well, and mucho tiempo on the above mentioned family events it will not be a case of "too little, too late"!
I can count the number of good workouts I've gotten lately on one hand so the idea now is to kick-ass on training, have a decent Nat's, train more and be fitter for NC and then come home better than ever.

Guest Blogger: Jason Lowetz

This may be the best race report from Jason yet... you decide.



Hola.

I stepped outside today wearing nothing but a pair of leather gloves.

I walked over to my neighbors house and said..."do you know who I am?".

The elderly women that answered the door replied "no....."

I said....."WRONG! ""Give me 60 dollars now!"

She said.. "no".

I said "FINE, I guess I'll just go win $60 at a bike race then!"

I then leaped into the air, spread my legs, and landed on the concrete floor doing the splits.

After that I got up and went back into my home. Got my bicycle and my spandex and rode off to Costa Mesa. I picked up brother Dan along the way.

I first raced the masters 30+ 1,2,3's along with world famous Bradley Galindo.

Loads of fun. I was near the front on the last lap until I was attacked by 7 white hornets. 4 of them stung me in the left ankle and the other 3 in the right eyeball. I closed my eyes and pedaled through the last 3 corners and finished 20th er sumthin. I dunno.

I then slammed on the brakes, as did Mr. Bradley Galindo, and headed back to the start line for the 3's race.

I needed $60 so I had to finish in 2nd place. Not 1st....not 3rd.....2nd. With about 5 to go I hopped on Danny's wheel as he was going to lead me to paradise. He done a great job, but I got ass plunged between two crackers on the last lap and lost Danny's wheel. Picture the scene in Titanic where Leo De Crappio vanished into the depths of the ocean. It was sort of like that I guess. BUT this time De Crappio was about 3 feet from the ocean floor when he decided to light the short fuse on a can of $60 woop ass. De Crappio came blasting out of the water with 2 corners to go. With one corner to go he duct taped 2 sparklers to his helmet, lit them, then sailed around the corner in 1st place. Remembering he HAD to get 2nd place he waited for somebody to go by then he got on the gas again and finished 2nd.

Recap

Mens Cat 3

2nd place

$60.

Thanks to Brother Dan, Danny, Freddie, Brad, Larry, and thy 2 or 3 or 4 other PAA manchines involved for looking so damn sexy and for keeping the race together.

Jaysus

out.

New Favorite!

Maybe you've noticed the new link at the top of the "Links" section on the right side of the page, and maybe you haven't.
Well, whether you noticed it or not, I am here to tell you that it's my new favorite blog!
There is a good chance that I'm biased, being that I recieve... *ahem*...being that I recieve... from the blogs author.
But I don't think so... It's just that good.
So check out my wife Brooke's new BLOG.

PS: Scarantino's in Pasadena will be showing the Tour nightly in their bar (with various drink specials) for the whole Tour! Let's support a local eatery that has the AUDACITY to turn off baseball in favor of cycling!

TDF partay extraordinaire

Some of you may be familiar with the bunny hopping style-meister Jesse Scarantino.
Many of you may also be planning to watch the Tour de France.
I am here to alert you to the FACT (not my opinion, universally agreed upon by the scientific community!) that Jesse will be hosting the most kick-ass party ever at his "venue", Scarantino's restaurant in pasadena.
Check out the website here:
http://scarantinospasadena.com/tour.htm
It is a cyclist friendly place with tasty food and an incredible beer selection to accompany your barstool view of the tour on the flat panel tv's.
If this was a more popular blog I'd be making millions for a plug like this...
If you checked out the website though, you'd see that your second beer is free if you are in your kit.
I figure the free beer will be payment enough.
Anyway, the party will be awesome so if you are planning on watching the tour be sure and check it out!
Then come back and let me know what you thought in the comments section.

How to waste $800.00

Step 1. This is one of the funniest bicycle ads to ever grace (disgrace) the pages of ebay:



"I was a former bike courier and a former track racer so I'm very picky about what I ride. To say that this bike is the perfect street cruiser is a gross understatement. The greatest thing about single speed bikes is that they are simple, slick, and beautiful, but never in my wildest dreams did I think they had them in full-suspension. This bike is as durable as it is beautiful. You can ride it, you can jump it, and you can even swim with it. There are hardly any moving parts or wires, so there's nothing to maintain or take care of. All you need to do is use it, abuse it, and park it. This model is not new, but not available in the US or Europe either.The one shown in the picture is fully assembled, but the one you are bidding on will arrive at your door steps brand new still in it's original packaging. This item is also available in Red and Yellow with matching tires. Some "very minor" assembly is required, but nothing you need mechanics for. The bike has a universal one size that will fits all frame. Adjustments with the seat and seat pole will allow it to fit just about anyone. If you are tall like me (6 foot 2 inches), you will need to get an extended seat pole, but the frame will fit and you will have a very comfortable ride. The bike comes with a 39 x 16 gear ratio. The rear silver pegs on the bike pictured are not standard, and will cost $10.00 extra and available upon request after purchase. This is the first time I'm actually selling on Ebay, so I hope I have been through enough, but please feel free to ask me any questions. Thanks you."

You can even swim with it? I think we've all been through enough... thanks you.

Go HERE if you want to see the actual page... but come back.

Step 2. Let me know what you think of this bike in the "comments" section.

Step 3. Once you have stopped laughing it will be time to get down to business... that's right: Business Time...



I might just have to dust off the ol' guitar and learn that one... to serenade my wife with.

Oh yeah, riding: I am back to training and in the past two days I've been doing back, to back, to back, to back hard interval rides... my bike wants more... but I'm quite sleepy.

Guest Blogger: Jason Lowetz

15 minutes till race start:

Deciding whether I was going to use both legs or just one leg in todays race quickly became the least of my worries.

There is a sound that is made by the air exiting your tubular tire which is filled with tufo sealant. That sound is accompanied by a magnificent pinwheel spray effect of tufo sealant....if you are moving.

14 minutes till race start:

2 blocks away a pair of rolf wheels sat quietly at home wishing that they could be in the bicycle race going on across the way. One of them was about to get there wish. It would be the front.

I made the phone call. Brother Dan, owner of the rolf wheels, and we made our way to his home. 2 blocks away. Home of the rolf wheels. We replaced the front wheel. I was off. I could have swore I heard the rolf rear wheel mutter something like " see ya in a few minutes..... bitch"... ....but naaaa. Wheels dont talk.

10 minutes till race start:

There is a sound that is made by the air exiting your tubular tire which is filled with tufo sealant. That sound is accompanied by a magnificent pinwheel spray effect of tufo sealant....if you are moving.

Yup.....the rear just went.

Back to the house to get the rear wheel. When I got to the house the wheel was waiting by the door and it was wearing a g-string. The weirdest thing I had seen today for sure. Anyway.....Brother Dan and I raced to swap the cassette and put the wheel on.

5 minutes until race start:

Ready to go.

0 minutes to go until race start:

Race starts.

PAA riders everywhere.

The plan. Victory.

Grayson was to be my leadout man. Others were to be busy bees. I sat in and watched the bees work there bee asses off for 53 minutes. Chasing breaks, keeping the pace up, and what not.

With 3 or 4 laps to go I found Graysons wheel and watched the race play out. I briefly lost his wheel with just over 1 to go. No worries though. I simply punched a few opponents in the face and regained my position.

Just under 1 lap to go. Trouble. Grayson is out front and I am second wheel. Mucho too soon for this. Just as we are about to be swarmed by the bad guys on the backside straightaway, Claudio goes zipping by on the left. I'm pretty sure his jersey had ripped off from the acceleration. This ends up working out well as Grayson hit the gas and kept us near the front. We were top 10 coming out of corner 4. I was glued to Graysons wheel ready to hit the turbo blaster button. With about 100 yards to the finish I hit the turbo blaster button. A few seconds late. I finished 3rd. I was gaining on the 2 fellas in front of me, but not much. If I would have used both legs and If Grayson would have taken 1 more flinstone vitamin this morning we would have taken it for sure.

Nice work yall.Sorry I missed the podium. I was busy doing one armed push-ups on top of the black pearl.

-Jaysus